Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, July 3, 2017

#Microblog Mondays: Happy for You, Sad for Me (Again)

I was supposed to have lunch with a friend today, who is waiting in adoption with the same agency, and who I saw the other day as she stopped by to chat. We talked about how my announcement threw her for a loop, but that she understood, and it's so hard to be in that space of limbo, and how my health situations were scary, how hard everything can be when you are wearing that mask, what her difficulties have been in the past six months or so in particular.

I got a text over the weekend that maybe we'd need to reschedule our lunch, something had come up that needed working out. A part of me knew what that something was, in all likelihood.

Today she very sensitively told me that they were matched with a birthfamily over the weekend and they are going to pick up the baby who will be their son today, and that's why we can't have lunch.

I am a whirlwind of emotions. How many times can I be happy for someone else and sad for myself? AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TIMES.

The timing of this one is beyond everyone's control, obviously, but also particularly difficult, as I just had a heartfelt conversation about how we'd decided to leave adoption, I just announced our decision and accompanying loss to the electronic masses, and now someone who waited in adoption (at least the homestudy ready part) pretty much exactly the same amount of time as we did is ostensibly bringing their baby home today.

Logically I know to tell that nasty little voice in my head to shut the fuck up:
You didn't try hard enough
That could have been you if you just stayed in the game longer
Everyone is going to compare the success that comes when you accept that "waiting is the hardest part" and stick with it to you just crapping out and leaving before you had a chance to be successful, and you're going to look like a quitter
You simply weren't up for the task

But that voice is there, and while I know so much is bullshit, because every situation is different, every facet of our separate journeys that may look similar to an untrained eye made our roads fork in this way, it's still hard. I may have cried a fair amount this morning. I cried for my insecurities. I cried for the future I wanted so badly but will never be. I cried for the lost opportunity to parent, to have the life we keep seeing everywhere we go but that won't be for us, ever.

I am legitimately excited for my friend, and hope everything goes smoothly. I know that there are complexities and difficulties ahead for both of us in our separate journeys, and joys, too. While she is navigating relationships with birth parents and sleep deprivation and poopy diapers, we will be tasting wine in Napa and hiking Big Sur. I am choosing to think about that part more than the fact that she will be using her glider/rocker to snuggle with a sleepy, milk-scented baby boy while I use mine to escape through my summer reading list and snuggle with my...fish-smelling cat.

It's a hard balance, this happy-sad dichotomy. I am not any less confident in our decision, and I know that the little voice is the most unhelpful bitch ever. I know we did what was right for us. It's just so hard to see (and feel) this contrast at this particular moment in time.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!

30 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, Jess. Just the biggest of (((hugs))) right now. My heart just dropped when I started reading, because I knew where it was going, and yes, this is your friend, my my goodness, your poor heart! Just the whole unfortunate timing of...well everything. So incredibly unfair and hard, and just how many times can a person get kicked while they are down? I can't even imagine, just more salt on open wounds and you are trying so hard to be happy for your friend, and just...Gah! Holding you close in thought and in prayer. Sending you a lot of love right now.

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    1. Thank you so much. It's going to happen, again and again and again, but man. What timing. I mean, great timing for her and her family that has finally come to fruition after so long -- I can only imagine the joy and disbelief and fear and love that is living in that household right now. I appreciate the love!

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  2. Jess, I can't even put into words how horrible the timing is for that. Once again, I am beyond impressed by how you handle all these curve balls (or should I say, RIDICULOUSLY MISERABLE curve HUMONGOUSLY AWFUL balls) with such honesty and grace. Mega, mega hugs to you.

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    1. Oh, thank you. I feel a bit less graceful when I find myself on the floor, facedown, unable to get up for oh, maybe an hour or so... But I guess the grace is in the eventual getting up and moving about with the day after inhaling carpet fibers for a while. :) I appreciate your commiseration -- such joyful news, but a tiny bit stabby at this point in time thanks to my evil little back-of-the-head voice.

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  3. Unimaginably hard. I want to rail at the Universe, "SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Are you freaking kidding me???"

    Also offering a mega hug.

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    1. I know, right? Thank you for the mega hug. I am so glad that things worked out (and in such a whirlwind!) for my friend, and I can only imagine what it's like in her household right now. Such a crazy swirl of emotion. I have a different swirl of emotion, and a fair amount of guilt that I know is unhelpful for feeling so sad for myself, but such is the contrast and timing of everything. Sigh. Shut up, What Ifs.

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  4. Oh wow. That's intense. You know what? I think it's okay to give yourself a break from being happy for everyone else. Of course you're happy for them. But giving yourself a break from all that will not diminish the other people's happiness AT ALL. It's okay to take a big fat break.

    I just typed "hiking Big Sur" and searched for images and OHMYGAH I am sooo excited for your trip that's coming up!! Be kind, be gentle, allow yourself to take a break and, I know this last one is really venturing into unfamiliar territory, allow yourself to look forward to the future- starting with your vacation. <3

    And always, if I say anything that's out of line or doesn't feel right for you, just ignore me. :)))

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    1. Oh yes, thank you. I have to say that my friend is incredibly sensitive and she was like, "feel free to hide my facebook feed, feel free to take a break from me" because she GETS IT. She's had these moments herself. I just feel guilty not being the cheerleader for everyone else's happiness, you know? My happiness looks so different now, and is ever-evolving, and there's a stark difference. I have so much support, but I feel like no one is coming over to admire my new office the way you would a new baby...huh. :) Yeah...I am super excited for Big Sur! The parts that aren't covered in giant landslide. I am going to try to focus on the beauty and not the bazillion ways to die on that trip... I am going to breathe in every gorgeous view, all that ocean air, the wine-friendly fog, all of it.

      PS - I don't think there's anything you'd say that I'd be like, "WHAT!!???? That jerk!" I enjoy your voice so much. I'm sorry that we are in similar boats, but it is nice to have people who are in similar spaces at times like these.

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  5. Aw that sucks, I'm sorry. It's ok to doubt yourself, even if you know you made the right decision. Tell the little voice you hear what it's saying, you get it, but you know it's not rational. And then keep gardening and trip planning and whatever you are doing. Sorry this is so hard and the crappy timing of news like this makes it harder.

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    1. Thank you so much. That little voice is a pain in my ass. I am totally confident in our decision, but that voice makes me feel bad about myself anyway. :( It will pass, and I'm sure there will be myriad ways for that voice to give me a hard time moving forward, so I'd better have those ways of shushing her! Mmmm, gardening and trip planning and rearranging/organizing/purging/decorating in the house... Those are fun activities.

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  6. Oh damn. The timing really does suck. I'm so sorry it had to be this way for you. Sending hugs and love.

    The little voice becomes easier to ignore as the years pass, but sometimes still I need to yell, "shut up!" at my own little voice.

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    1. Oh, I like that -- I will yell "SHUT UP!" quite literally at the voice next time I hear it (hopefully at home or in the car...). Thank you so much for the hugs and love. It is so wonderful for my friend, and just such a reminder of the alternate reality that could have been (you know, had I not developed an autoimmune response, had I not had a mental breakdown of sorts, had we not just reached the end of our rope and an overwhelming desire to live a life free of this type of uncertainty...) Thanks for the commiseration, much appreciated!

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  7. Everyone above said it better than I could. Lots of hugs, lady. This news, though good for your friend, just sucks due to the timing. Give yourself permission to protect yourself and do what you need to do. I'm thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you so much. I am so happy for my friend, because she's been waiting so long, you know? But it is really hard to see that contrast and to hear that nasty voice cast doubts my way that I know are baseless. Thank you for all the hugs and the thoughts...it will get better.

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  8. oh gosh, that must have been really difficult. I think most of us know that "happy for you, sad for me" feeling. Try not to listen to that nasty voice in your head! Easier said than done I know. Do something extra nice for yourself this weekend.

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    1. Thank you so much. I slept a really long time yesterday, like went back to bed after swapping cars with Bryce (oh, one-car driveway...) so he could get to work and slept until 10 or so. I guess it's all exhausting! I've been working like mad on my office and reorganizing the house, so that makes me feel better. And um, wine. :) It's better every day, and that nasty little voice is a tiny whiny whisper now, like a mosquito buzzing in my ear.

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  9. That voice is a bitch because she's not telling you something for your own good, she's telling you something to make you feel like crap. Think about that -- would you ever take advice from a friend that had an agenda and was trying to make you feel awful? No? Then don't listen to that inner voice who isn't there to help or guide. She is just there to make you second guess what you know in your heart was the right decision for you.

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    1. Seriously. SERIOUSLY! I would never take this crap from a friend! I am always (and so are most people I think) hardest on myself. I hate the What Ifs but I know that we made the right decision for us, given so many factors. Thank you so much for helping me shush that evil lady in my head!

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  10. Oh your post brought a tear to my eye; I know these feelings. I agree with Phoenix above that it's okay to give yourself a break from being happy for everyone else.
    I still sometimes feel a whole range of emotions when I hear someone else's good news: I say the same things to myself that you list in your post. It's much more muted now and fades with time but if I'm caught on a bad day it's still there. I have to admit that I still never feel uncomplicatedly happy for others - the best I can muster is neutral, and I think that's a good development. I spent a lot of time reminding myself why we didn't pursue a family, and reminding myself that it's different for everyone. Thankfully the voices have got fainter over time and are now usually just a niggle: i'm hoping that soon they'll have disappeared completely. Thinking of you x

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    1. It's hard, right? I love what you said about reminding yourself of your choices and reasons, of the differences that make up different pathways in life. I'm glad the voices fade over time. Every day's a little better (all what, three of them?) as I throw myself into summer projects when I'm not facedown on the floor, feeling like maybe I could stay there for the foreseeable future. :) Thanks for the thoughts!

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  11. I'm so sorry that you're getting hit with such a tough situation at such a vulnerable time. That inner voice sucks! It's easy to know better than to listen to it but really hard to tune it out. Sending a hug.

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    1. Thank you for the hug! It is a vulnerable time, for sure. I'm so tired from telling everyone and it's so hard to be like, "Shut up, inner voice! We made the best decision for US!" Thanks so much.

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  12. What Lollipop said. All day.

    My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Thank you so much, I appreciate your thoughts and Grrrrrrs to that bitchy inner voice. :)

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  13. Big hugs! I know just one thing - that things happen for a reason. Love, Jess! I know it's not easy and you are so warm that I am sure you are happy and meaning well for your friend.May you be blessed.

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    1. Thank you so much for the hugs and the love! I can totally be happy for my friend, and also mourn what could have been but will never be. Hard balance for sure, but possible.

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  14. Ugh, what timing!! Not sure why the universe unfolds like this, but it sucks. Holding you in my thoughts. <3

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    1. Right? RIGHT? It's like, "hmmm, you just told everyone your news and are dealing with the fallout (while overwhelmingly positive, still exhausting), and then a big WHAT IF comes your way." So great for my friend and her new expanded family, so hard to see an alternative reality play out. Thank you for the thoughts and love!

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  15. I'm sorry. Awful timing. Abiding with you. Hugs and thoughts with you.

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    1. Thank you so much! I appreciate so much the abiding, hugs, and thoughts. The timing is definitely rough. Might not have hit me so hard a few months out, but now when I'm all flat on the floor from all the bandaid-ripping and trying to make peace with our very carefully made decision, it's just sucky to the nth degree.

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